For those who do not know, October 15, 2019 is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day! I never even knew there was a day like that until someone told me yesterday. At that moment, I knew it was time to share my story about my little angel that I never saw or felt.
I mean the whole reason I started the blog was to share this story since Instagram only lets you have a certain number of words for each post. Therefore, I decided to start the blog so that I could share this story with you all. At the same time, I didn’t know when was the perfect time to share this story until yesterday!!!
On a chilly night in December 2016, the hubby and I were sitting at the bar enjoying a drink. We were chatting away and hubby was like, “I think its time.” I looked at him and then at his glass and was like “for another drink?” He laughed and said, “No, I think its time for us to have a baby!” I was like “OMG…WHY?” He then said that he felt like we did everything he always wanted to do before having a baby. I listened to everything he had to say and then I said, “So that means you are ready to stay home on the weekends instead of going out?” He looked at me and said, “YUP!!!”
It was at that moment, I knew he was ready because he didn’t even hesitate to say “YUP!” I always said I would never have a baby with him because society says you should have a baby after being married for two years. The only way, I would have a baby with him was if he was ready to be a father. I never believed that the lady should stay at home with the baby while the man goes out and about. It was just not something I would be okay with and he always knew that. But, here we were, talking about starting a family!!!
I prayed about it because honestly I did not know the first thing about being a mom. Of course, I had so many friends who were moms but they were all different. I would never say any of them were the same, they all had their own ways of doing things that worked for them. At the same time, I would ask myself, if I’m actually even ready to be a mom? It was nothing I ever imagined but knew I had to be ready when the hubby was ready. And now, he is ready and I had to get on board!!!
I continued to pray about it and in April 2017, I felt off. I went to CVS and got a pregnancy test. I took the test and as I waited for the result, I continued to pray. I’m not even going to lie, I was super nervous and when I looked it said, “PREGNANT!”
I was like OMGG…I’M PREGNANT!!! I was super excited for the hubby and decided to surprise him with a card and the test inside it. Don’t worry, I totally washed the test before putting it in the gift bag.
Hubby was definitely excited and I had my first appointment with the doctor the following week. Everyone at the doctor’s office was super excited seeing how excited we were. Hubby was at this appointment too!!! The doctor comes in and asked us some questions and then his face slowly changes. He looked like he was getting ready to give us some bad news. At that moment, my excitement disappeared and I asked, “Is everything okay?” The doctor said that since we are only six weeks he cannot see anything and we should do a follow up appointment in two weeks. He said that there is a sac but no embryo. I honestly had no idea what he was talking about and stopped listening. I let the doctor and hubby continue the conversation but I knew I had to be back in two weeks for an update.
After that appointment, hubby and I went to eat. We talked about everything and anything besides what just happened. He went back to work and I went back to our house. I literally crawled in bed and cried like no other. I didn’t understand what was going on and started googling everything I could possibly google. I started finding chats about other people in my situation and in most of the cases it was 50/50. Some were able to find the embryo and others miscarried. Those two weeks were the longest two weeks of my life.
Its safe to say hubby knew I was sad. At the same time, I think I was super sad because I couldn’t give him what he wanted. I was sooo sad because he wanted a baby and I couldn’t do it for him. It was like I failed and I didn’t even know what I did wrong? This is basically how the first week of the waiting game went.
The second week was all about, why do I even feel sad? It’s not like I wanted to have kids and its not like there is anything inside of me? Why am I having all these emotions in my head and why am I crying like a crazy person? Also, this was the week when I started throwing up every morning and started thinking there was a baby in me. I was like OMG…maybe the doctor just couldn’t see the baby and there was a light. I started getting excited again!!! I continued to pray about it and would tell GOD that I would do my best to be the best mom I could be for our baby. Just please watch over us and help me in every possible way!!! But then, every time I got excited, I would think about the 50/50 chance. Finally, I called one of my friends who is a nurse and asked her questions about my situation without telling her it is me and it was one of my friends. It was at that moment, I lost all hope!!! I think I called her because I needed someone to tell me you are 1 of the 4 and listened to my friend talk away while the tears just kept falling.
Later that evening, I went to the doctor and hubby joined too! He confirmed that there is no baby but my body feels like I’m pregnant. He said that I could do a D and C to remove the sac or we can do it naturally. I decided that I’ll let my body pass it naturally when the time comes. What I didn’t know was how painful the process was going to be.
It was during Mother’s Day weekend, we found out that there is no baby. Therefore, you can imagine how sad I was during Mother’s Day weekend. The only people that knew about our situation was my mom and my mother-in-law. I told hubby I did not want anyone to know because honestly I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me. I hate when people act awkwardly or don’t even know what to say because I am that person. I never know what to say or do and just let my man lead while I follow him. Therefore, I wanted everyone to continue their normal ways.
My body started the process of where things started coming out and OMG…LADIES, its painful!!! There is sooo much bleeding and pain!!! The doctor did say that it could last for about two weeks and that is when I realized that wouldn’t work for us. This is because we decided to go on a trip with one of our friends in June 2017 to Africa. They have been planning the whole trip and I didn’t want to be a reason to stop them from the plans. Therefore, hubby and I talked and we decided to do the D and C.
It was a quick surgery and I definitely felt no pain…lol. I had a week to rest before our trip. Hubby asked if I wanted him to stay with me but I said, “No.” It was during that week I realized I’m ready to be a mom!!! Its safe to say I didn’t know anything about #momlife but when the man above thinks I’m ready, I’ll be ready!!!
I will say May 2017 was definitely one of the hardest months for me because of all the battles I was fighting in my head. At the same time, those battles that I had within myself only made me stronger. It is because of those battles I know when it is time, I’ll definitely be the best mom I can be.
I may of never felt or even heard the angel in me, but you are the one angel that will forever be watching over Mia. It is because of you, my angel, I want to be the best mama for my rainbow baby. For the world, I’m a mother of one as of right now but to me I’m a mother of two and will continue to keep you two in my heart forever!!!
This is my story!!! I tried to keep it short but my heart wanted me to continue to write. If you are someone who has an angel, I hope this post brings you some sort of comfort!!! If you want to chat, feel free to email or message me. I am an open book and I truly believe we are all in this together. If you feel like you have no one to talk to, believe me, I am here for you!!!
If there is one thing I can tell you, it is, DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF!!! Everything happens for a reason and we may not initially understand that reason. Keep your head up and be around those who make you feel happy. If someone is making you feel negative, stay away from that person during this time. We are already being negative with our own self and don’t need other people to do that to us too. Therefore, be strong and be around people that truly love you!!!
I can honestly say, at that time, I didn’t understand why that happened to me? But now, I can say, I honestly believe that happened to me to make me realize how much I actually wanted to be a mom without even knowing. At least that is what I choose to believe!!!
-XOXO-
